The average toddler laughs 4000 times a day. The average adult... 4!

There is nothing more special than watching and listening to my boys laugh. I cannot help but wonder at what point do we start taking life so seriously that we stop laughing with such abandon? And more importantly how do we make sure the same does not happen to our kids?

A diamond may be a girl’s best friend but a shower must be a moms.

For a few minutes each day you get to transport yourself to some or other totally peaceful exotic destination. No more crying babies, no more whiney toddlers, no more nagging husband.

Just you, the sound of a water falling, the feel of a warm "sun" on your body, perhaps even the smell of exotic flowers. The water gently massaging your shoulders, washing all your troubles and worries away…pure bliss…until a faint noise penetrates your dreams…

"Mommmeeeeeee…”

Little miracles

On my low days, you know the kind - when you feel like you've done nothing right and made all the wrong choices  in life - I used to cheer myself up by holding onto the idea that at least I've done two things right... namely my boys.

However after some reflection I find myself wondering how much credit can I really take for them.

If you think about the millions of little things that could go wrong it's a miracle they all went right, and I cannot take credit for a miracle. I'm not a single parent living alone in the middle of the jungle so raising them is not all on me either. 

I may not be able to take full credit for our little miracles but I am damn proud of the part that I have played because I believe I'm doing a darn good job, so I will certainly take credit for  the choices I've made when it comes to them, those have all been right, so far =)

You ban it, they'll want it

I heard about a school in the UK who recently implemented a new policy with regards to smoking. They take away the kids cigarettes, on arrival in the morning, but then give them back twice during the day.  They had gotten tired of running around after kids trying to stop them from smoking, and therefore decided on the approach of a controlled environment with a set time and space to be allowed to smoke.

Of course this opened the debate of whether this policy will reduce smoking or whether they are actually encouraging the kids to smoke. I think the majority of people calling in (I heard it on the radio) where totally shocked and horrified by this news. Indicating they think it’s a bad plan and how crazy the school must be to do that.

Soooo I must be crazy or stupid too then because it certainly makes sense to me.

Obviously, like any good parent, I hope my boys won’t smoke one day. I most certainly will advise them not to start because it is a health risk, an expensive one at that, and because I know just how hard it is to quit. But can I forbid it? When I smoked. So did their dad… and their uncles, aunt, oumas and oupas.  What message would I be sending them by making it off limits? And more importantly am I naïve enough to believe they won’t smoke just because I tell them not too. Don’t think so.

I don’t believe the schools policy encourages kids to smoke any more than they already do or to even start smoking. On the contrary I think when something is allowed it becomes a lot less attractive to kids. According to evolutionary psychologists children are genetically programmed to go against everything their parents stand for. This is essential for them to break away and start their own ‘tribes’ or can you imagine how poor the survival rate of us humans would’ve been due to inbreeding issues. 

And THAT is why reverse psychology works.  

If you say it’s okay, they won’t want to.

Remember what it was like being a child. All you wanted was to be in control, of something, anything, so kids will control what they can. If we as parents don’t give them some healthy control we shouldn’t be so surprised when things go haywire.

We want our children to grow up big and strong, healthy and happy, preferably scar free and picture perfect…but the universe has other plans for them.

What we want and what they need are two different things. We want to bubble wrap them and keep them safe and innocent. They need us to teach them about life, real life, let them fall, get hurt and in the process learn about consequences and how to consider them when trying to make a wise decision.

Educate them, give them the facts:

Smoking is social, smoking gives you something to do with your hands when you are nervous, smoking may help “calm” you down before an exam or after a fight, smoking is an excellent ice breaker, fresh cigarette smoke smells divine, a cigarette can complete a delicious meal… but on the other side of the fact coin you have old stale smelly smoke, smelly hands and clothes, stinky breathe, yellowed teeth, tongue and fingertips, damaged lungs and an emptier wallet and most importantly once you get hooked cigarettes will control you. You cannot leave the house without checking whether you have your ciggies with you, if you go to a remote holiday destination you’ll have to calculate how many packs you will need and you won’t share because heaven forbid you run out. Some people stick to social smoking while others become chain smokers, for some it’s as easy to stop as it was to start while for others it may become a lifelong battle.

Then trust that they will make a wise decision. It may not be what you want but it will be the best choice for them because they are not going into it blindly.

If they don’t smoke – celebrate and do a silent happy dance in your head.

If they do decide to smoke, encourage them to do it in front of you, at home, in their rooms even. Cause if they are tempted to try it, they will find a way, so rather keep it as safe as you possibly can.  

Smoking kills but so can driving, flying, walking, showering, eating…. The message we must send is not that it kills, but that when it does kill, it does it slowly and painfully.

Boundaries

Children like knowing what the boundaries are, it makes it easier for them to behave the way we expect them too. Makes sense doesn’t it. Consistency is key, without it their little worlds are all over the place which is certainly not a great feeling to have. And it prepares them for a life that lets face it is all about adjusting your behaviour to boundaries.

At the end of the day life is all about the choices we make. Yet we give our children very little practise in making choices when they are young, but expect them to make all the right choices when they are older.

Natural consequences, not threats, warnings or punishment is the best teaching tool. Admittedly it is pretty hard not to revert back to threats and warnings because that is what you know and sometimes it’s the easier option for you as the adult but in the long run you will lose out and so will your kids. We need to bite our tongues, we need to turn away, we need to calm down and think what will be the best natural consequence for what has just happened.

Bad things generally happen without warning. Which kid will be better prepared for real life and the obstacles they will cross? The one who got plenty of warnings over and over or the one who learnt quite quickly that his actions have consequences and not all of them are so cool.

Our job as a parent is to equip our kids with all the tools they need to succeed in life. So what are those tools? Do we all agree on what is essential? Self-esteem, good manners, likeability, positive attitude, ability to make wise decisions, responsibility, empathy, curiosity and perseverance are some of the traits I think are necessary to be a success. Are these things we can teach our kids? Good manners and self-esteem lead to likeability which helps cultivate a positive attitude. Curiosity and perseverance will lead to making wise decisions and wise decisions will result in a desire to take responsibility for those decisions. Empathy lies at the heart of it all. The ability to see someone else’s point of view. It’s more than that though, not only seeing it but trying to understand, tolerate it and accept it as that persons reality.

How do you teach empathy, by showing empathy.  How do you show empathy? By letting your kid know, you know he wants to eat chocolate for breakfast and you understand the feeling, because you too would love to have chocolate for breakfast, but breakfast is either otees, toast or of course there is always the option of NoTHING.

Anger

I’ve been reading a library book for my boys, called “when I woke up I was a Hippopotamus” about a boy who imagines he is all sorts of different things at different times of the day (all of which are causing the parents grief), so near the end of the story the parents come charging into the boys room to tell him off for making too much noise (he is a Giant busy crushing a small village). He imagines them to be dragons breathing fire and wagging scaly fingers.

Scary image? But also an eye opener, because from a toddler’s perspective that is quite possibly what they imagine us to be at the times when we are busy scolding them.

A few days ago I saw my husband get angry with our oldest, and all of a sudden the dragons in the story came to mind and for a moment I saw it from my 5 year olds perspective and it was scary. Was it necessary? Was it affective? I have my doubts on both counts.

Watching that episode I can understand why experts say children do not learn while in a place of fear.

Anger, shouting, punishment do not provide our children with the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Think about it, when you feel scared you get defensive and you want to blame someone or something for whatever got you into that position. And getting defensive usually results in you getting angry too and trying to find ways to get back at the person who put you on the spot. Resulting in a vicious circle of negative behaviour and very little constructive learning. You do not hear reason, so you cannot act reasonably.

Think about how you would react if your boss towered over you, shouting and screaming about some project you did not complete on time or got all wrong. Then imagine that same boss calmly discussing the issue with you. Which do you think would be more affective, which boss would you try harder to please in the future and which ones next cup of coffee will contain a little something extra?

We don’t always treat our kids with the respect they deserve, we treat them…well… like children.

Misbehaviour

Every parent wishes they had well behaved children, because that is what we dream of, even though deep down we know every child is going to misbehave, because that is what children do.

What I wonder about is how many of us really think about why our kids misbehave. 

I believe the theory that kids misbehave for two, actually make that three, reasons:

1.   They don’t understand what is expected of them.

2.   They are simply trying to learn about the world and don’t realise what they are doing can be labelled as misbehaviour.

3.   They know exactly what they are doing and what the reaction will be so you can deduce that they are trying to exert some control and in so doing feel powerful by causing us to go red in the face and lose control.

Thinking about these 3 points, don’t you wish you could react differently when they misbehave? It certainly makes me see things from a different perspective.

A change in attitude, can make our dream of well-behaved kids come true.

1.   As parents we need to be clear about setting the boundaries and consequences from day one and we must be consistent so that our kids know what is expected of them and believe what will happen if they chose to step over the line.

2.   We need to encourage them to experiment and when things do go wrong help them to see why it’s wrong and how they are going to fix it. After all life hands out consequences not punishment.

3.   By not giving them the reaction they want, i.e. turning red in the face and losing control, we take the control back from them and take all the fun of misbehaving out of the equation.

Sounds easy enough, but even I know it can be hard.

The trick is to stop and take a moment, whenever you feel like losing control, and think about the following: Why are you really angry, is the anger justified and is angry going to get your child to listen in the future?

9 out of 10 times you’ll see the anger is indirectly directed at yourself, very seldom is it justified and it will hardly ever result in a long term reaction.

There are way more effective ways to get your point across.