Contradictions

Parenting leads to many contradictions. One being the issue of kids in the bed.

I love waking up in the morning to the  realisation "I don't have any kids in the bed", "space wondrous space", but how I long for their cuddles as I fall asleep at night. Feeling their little bodies tucked into mine. Their backs pressed against my tummy or at times back to back. Hearing their breath, feeling their heart beat. Or a tiny arm snakes it's way around your neck or tummy and squeezes just that little bit. Their warmth, their love - moments you wish you could freeze in time because like many things these types of cuddles are numbered.

At least Leo promised to need me till he gets to grade 10. So I have a few years left.

Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Birth stories

Since giving birth to my two boys I can no longer watch a birthing scene on TV without thinking WTF are you people talking about? It's so not like that.

Or maybe it is... for others.

After all we are all unique, which means each birth story will be unique and perhaps there are ladies out there who do get a TV birth.

I just wasn't one of them.

My two times were certainly different. One with drugs, one without. One took a good couple of hours, one was over in a blink of an eye. One had music and ambience, the other was a blur of pain - guess which one was which.

I must be honest I don't recall many details of either birth. I don't recall how I felt the first time they were placed in my arms. I don't recall staring into their eyes falling madly and deeply in love. Not even sure what the first thing was that I said to them.

I wonder if my hubby remembers.

With my eldest I do remember feeling like I was drowning, not able to get a breath. I remember feeling exhausted afterwards. With my youngest I remember feeling the pain was so intense I needed someone to stop it, or take it over cause I couldn't anymore. I remember forgetting that pain quite quickly once it was over though. The miracle of nature.

I remember the first night with my eldest was long and scary, my first night with my youngest was also long but it was a lot less scary -  amazing what a difference 2 years of motherhood does for ones confidence.

I didn't want any photos to be taken or a movie to be made... not sure why... but in hindsight I wish I had. Even though I was the most important person in the room I think I was the least present, the least aware of what was happening around me or to me. Perhaps we drift to another dimension in order to get through the experience,  perhaps our brains are trained not to file any memories of a birth or a second child will never be on the cards. I don't know if it is just me that remembers it in such a haze but it would actually be quite interesting to see it from another perspective.

Maybe I should just watch those TV births and own the events as my own...

Poem for my mom !!!

Of all the moms I know

You are the most magnifico

You take everything in your stride

Always been right there by my side

To share my sorrows and my joys

Spoiling first me and now my boys

But more than that you give us love

You deserve so much more

Like an eagle you soar

Higher and higher, above the rest

Cause you simply are the best

Your stories and wise words

Always keep me moving forwards

But more than that you give me love

Your beauty and grace

To be seen reflected across your face

Someone to look up to

In everything you are and do

Plenty of dreams you had for me

I only hope you like what you see

But more than that you gave your love

I think of you whenever I see the moon

Be it at midnight or high noon

The legacy you’ll leave behind

Always and forever to be kept in mind

Mamma, you are super special

You deserve more than just one medal

But more than that you have our love

I love you and thank you .

The hardest part of parenting

Knowing your children are going to get hurt, be heartbroken and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is be there to hold them. Silently. 

Sometimes I feel like Joy from the movie Inside Out – I want all their memories to be golden. But  just as Joy needed to realise that Sadness played an important part I need to keep on reminding myself of the same thing. It’s a bit like the poem / blessing – not sure of the origins but it goes like this:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger

I wish you enough gain to satisfy  your wanting

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I  wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye .

It’s all about balance. Yin and Yan. You cannot experience or appreciate the one side of a continuum without the other. My life is certainly richer because of the hardships I’ve endured and survived, so I shouldn’t want to deny them the same. I guess my fear is that I’llwon’t equip them with the right tools to be able to endure and survive.