The hardest part of parenting

Knowing your children are going to get hurt, be heartbroken and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is be there to hold them. Silently. 

Sometimes I feel like Joy from the movie Inside Out – I want all their memories to be golden. But  just as Joy needed to realise that Sadness played an important part I need to keep on reminding myself of the same thing. It’s a bit like the poem / blessing – not sure of the origins but it goes like this:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how grey the day may appear

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger

I wish you enough gain to satisfy  your wanting

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I  wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye .

It’s all about balance. Yin and Yan. You cannot experience or appreciate the one side of a continuum without the other. My life is certainly richer because of the hardships I’ve endured and survived, so I shouldn’t want to deny them the same. I guess my fear is that I’llwon’t equip them with the right tools to be able to endure and survive.

Huggie Monster - explained

Huggie Monster is a game we play with the kids - it's a game I originally came up with, but with time it got a life of its own and just keeps evolving.

It started with me pretending to be a monster who loves hugs and will do anything to get them.

The boys would stand on our bed and I would try and grab them, growling and snarling waving my arms about trying to reach them, while they try to dodge me. When I do get hold of them I'd give them a big bear hug and shake them around a bit. Sometimes I'd pretend to gobble them up, soliciting squeals of laughter.

Then Daddy brought in "the claw" and they would stand at the head of the bed trying to avoid his tickling claw. 

At some point I started to flip them over in a cartwheel or have them lie on their backs, grab their legs, lift and flip them over onto their tummies. Then we introduced "hoopie le" or dogpile, which I believe is the English word for the game, and took turns being at the bottom or on top.

Next came the dip. I would dip them back while their feet stayed on the edge of the bed and then fling them forward. Then one night after bath time we rolled them up in their towels and then flicked them out again. This progressed to rolling them up in the duvet. Leo calls this move "Hot Wheels". At one point Leo wanted to stand on his head and hook his legs over my shoulders, stand like that for a minute and then flop over and land on his tummy. Another move was one where they would come running and I would either catch them, swing them to the side and throw back on the bed or gently push against their chests, causing them to fall over.

Some of the newer moves. Rolling off the side of the bed into my waiting arms, nearly dropping to the floor and then lifting / throwing them back onto the bed. Spinjitzu, were they stand with their hands in prayer pose and then I spin them by the shoulders, and Air jitzu which involves dipping them back (their hands in prayer position) and then they "spin" themselves when I throw them forward.

The latest, and much loved, addition to the game is them lying on their tummies side by side, heads at the far end of the bed. We then point and say "look a snail" and proceed to pull them very slowly across the bed. "Look a racing car or speed boat" results in a fast pull. "Look a bunny"  we bounce their legs up and down while pulling back. "Look a snake" slowly side wind them across the bed. "Look a twirly wirly worm" we''ll flick them over by the legs (sideways) "Look a roly poly" they do bollamakieses across the bed. "Look a monkey" they turn around and we pull them across by their arms and then pull them up and try and flip them over on to their backs. And finally "Look a train" we pull and push while making train noises.All the actions need to be accompanied by noises - it's just not the same done in silence.

What I love most is the enthusiasm and excitement the promise of this game still ignites.

Especially with Leo (5), Lucca still plays with and enjoys it as much as before, but I wonder for how long it will last (he is 7 now).  It's our family time together and always involves giggles, big belly laughs and lots of cuddles. We have the occasional accident and tears but we all know if we play we must be prepared to get hurt as it is roughhousing.

When I feel the kids are getting cranky we play huggie monster to fill our love tanks, to reconnect and refresh all our moods.  It usually works. And if they are not done yet Leo will say his tank is only this full - holding his hand to his chin - so I ask how many more turns till its full full - five!

And off we go again.....

I even ended up making them Huggie Monsters, which were supposed to help keep them in their own beds at night. They are soft and cuddly monsters with long weighted arms that they could wrap around themselves for a hug if they felt scared or alone.

They love them, but it didn't quite work as I hoped... at least they leave them behind when they come crawl in beside me :-)

Life : pre and post kids

Life before kids:

Set alarm for 6:30, shower, eat breakfast, catch a bus at 7:30 in order to be at work by 8:30. Sit in on meetings, listen to customers complain or bask in their praise,  try to solve problems, have “smoke” breaks with my colleagues, eat a healthy lunch, leave work at 17:00 to get home sometime after 18:00 to cook/enjoy dinner, watch TV, catch up with hubby or read and then off to bed by 22:00 for my much needed 8 hours of sleep.

During my 2 hour commute to and from work I would listen to music, read, doze off or chat with hubby. In between bus rides I got to people-watch at a seriously busy International airport with the occasional Starbucks coffee run (especially in winter when the bus's where due to be delayed)

Weekends meant no alarm, sleeping late or afternoon naps. We could go to the movies or try new restaurants on the spur of the moment. Play squash, go for a cycle, enjoy winter beach walks or summer braai's with friends. Spontaneity was the name of the game.

Life post kids:

No alarms needed as one or both boys wake up round 6, whining for juice…during the week I give myself 30 minutes to shower and eat breakfast in relative peace and quiet. As the boys are busy eating and either watching TV, or playing on daddy’s game (which means watching Youtube video clips on the playbook). I pack their snack boxes and make sure their school bags are ready. Get them dressed and we're out the door at 7:10, drop Lucca and then Leo at school and get to work just after 8.

My time at work is pretty similar to before kids - except I know work in HR, but the 4 years I was a stay at home mom was something else. (a story for another day)

Home time varies but I'm usually rushing down the mountain to get Leo first and Lucca - either from Karate or School - except Tuesday's when they are with my mom. Once we're home we enter the haze of supper, homework, bath time, huggie monster or reading books and finally bedtime. By about 20:30 we have the house to ourselves.

Then the question is what do you do… watch TV, read a book, tidy up toys, pack the dishwasher, prep a load of laundry for tomorrow, bond with hubby, bath, sleep arghhhh the choices they are many… pity the amount of time is little as I still try to get to bed by 22:00. Not for my munch needed 8 hours of sleep (cause that no longer exists) but for my few, even more needed,  hours of uninterrupted sleep before one or both boys make their way to our bed. From then on it’s a restless night’s sleep, till my alarm goes off at 5:45. (I lied, I still set an alarm, because with my luck the day I don’t my boys will sleep till 8.) At one time it ways always a surprise who wakes up where, we just loved playing musical beds at night. But luckily that has improved.

The last full, uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep I got must have been in January 2008.

Would I trade it all to go back – Never!

Then I'd miss out on the most adoring looks, sound of their laughter, their angelic smiles, and the feel of their warm bodies against mine as they sleep, the sheer excitement when they get something simple like juice or a chocolate or when we're going to play huggie monster.

I may have sacrificed some things but I've gained so much more.

Brain development

Every parent should read "Parenting from the inside out" by Dr Daniel Siegel or if they do not like reading or don't have the time go search for Daniel Siegel on Youtube and educate yourself with his various video clips.

Knowing how your childs brain works - hell knowing how your brain works - will make parenting that much easier and more fun.

Very interesting stuff....life changing ideas.

The average toddler laughs 4000 times a day. The average adult... 4!

There is nothing more special than watching and listening to my boys laugh. I cannot help but wonder at what point do we start taking life so seriously that we stop laughing with such abandon? And more importantly how do we make sure the same does not happen to our kids?

A diamond may be a girl’s best friend but a shower must be a moms.

For a few minutes each day you get to transport yourself to some or other totally peaceful exotic destination. No more crying babies, no more whiney toddlers, no more nagging husband.

Just you, the sound of a water falling, the feel of a warm "sun" on your body, perhaps even the smell of exotic flowers. The water gently massaging your shoulders, washing all your troubles and worries away…pure bliss…until a faint noise penetrates your dreams…

"Mommmeeeeeee…”

Little miracles

On my low days, you know the kind - when you feel like you've done nothing right and made all the wrong choices  in life - I used to cheer myself up by holding onto the idea that at least I've done two things right... namely my boys.

However after some reflection I find myself wondering how much credit can I really take for them.

If you think about the millions of little things that could go wrong it's a miracle they all went right, and I cannot take credit for a miracle. I'm not a single parent living alone in the middle of the jungle so raising them is not all on me either. 

I may not be able to take full credit for our little miracles but I am damn proud of the part that I have played because I believe I'm doing a darn good job, so I will certainly take credit for  the choices I've made when it comes to them, those have all been right, so far =)